K. . Now I’m just going to leave this open, because I have no place else to put things . . .is that why I was so attached to Ross? He was someone I could actually talk to about the things I do not or cannot vent to anyone in my “real life”? Maybe
If he were still available, I would now be shooting him texts about my annoyance with Kyle. Last night it started snowing. I got home from robots at about 8:00 to find that no one had dealt with the trash. So shaky as I was on one hour of sleep and a day of emotional upheaval, I drug the trash can and the two giant recycle bins thru the falling snow to the curb myself. Now I had the effrontery to suggest that Kyle go retrieve them as they ended up in the street, and were likely to be hit by a plow. He bitched and moaned about every bit if it: no boots, no gloves,etc. I had to fetch attire he could easily have found himself. He finally exited to return moments later without any of the bins. He said they were too heavy and he couldn’t breathe. He also left the dog outside unattended. So, I did it myself. He had moved one bin a few feet and dumped it in my rose garden . . .great. I played outside with the dog for a minute or two and went back in where he quickly followed, now claiming the snow blower won’t start. I doubt it, but the hand he destroyed for me can’t pull the fly wheel anymore. So, I will wait until I stop seething. If no one else returns, I will try my best to start it or start shoveling. Joy.
Odd twist . .I just unburdened some of the low points of this drama to Aries. A woman who clearly despised me when first we met has tried to be a friend since, and at least she knows the players and the broad brush-strokes of what has gone before.
OK. 5:00 pm now. Several hours have passed. Driveway plowed, no thanks to Kyle. Suddenly I am feeling way worse about everything. Why? I guess I am still struggling to figure out how all the things I saw as positive could be an impediment. But I know that the only opinion that matters in this is his. He is the only person who can gauge if something is a support, if something makes him stronger and better able to focus and fight, or if it simply drains his energy and his focus. Beating myself up is not going to help. I have to believe that this is something in his head, something born of his past. Does he feel like everyone judges him, even me? Does he feel like he has to put on a show for me, or be something other than himself to please me? I’m grasping at straws here, because it just doesn’t make sense. Could I get over this? No, I know myself far better than that. I also know myself well enough to know what happens next. I will sublimate what I really feel to protect him. If he returns, I will try to “act normal.” But nothing will ever be the same in my heart.
OK. I apparently am trying to back myself into a corner, make sure that I don’t jump ship, no matter what I really feel. I just posted the “wedding” announcement to Fallen Lords group. So now at least half of my in-game friends will know something is very wrong if this all falls apart. Or maybe I am trying to make sure I don’t do the wrong thing? What the hell is the right thing?
7:30. I think evening is harder because I am used to working my butt off all day, but winding down looking forward to that half hour we have had in the evening, that half hour that lets me sleep (because I thought he was sleeping). Guess now that I know the truth I won’t be sleeping either. I am wondering if I should just keep reading the book to myself. I actually bought the e-book, because he wanted it and I wanted to make him happy faster than I could ditzing around with the library.
Shoot! Becket house needs a new oil tank. Apparently that was a used oil tank from the 1940s and no one caught it. And the sump is freezing. I can probably fix that, but the oil tank is about $2000, maybe more because of regulations on a home so close to water. So much for the money will loosen up when taxes are paid. I’ll just take something off the list.
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